Tina's Web Journal

Archive for the ‘Chat’ Category

Common Sense Relationship Commandments

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011

I’m not sure what’s going on in the Universe, but over the past two weeks I’ve found myself asked more relationship advice than I’ve been asked for over the past YEAR. Now to add another level of amusement to that, my own relationship status on Facebook recently changed to “It’s Complicated”…and it REALLY IS…lol! I always wondered what would have to happen to make someone change their status to that, and now I know…rofl!

Anyway – I guess in spite of my recent complicated relationships, I do have enough life experience and common sense to know what I WANT and NEED in a relationship – which is very similar to what most people WANT and NEED, so I can at least speak intelligently on the subject. And since I’ve been asked for so much advice individually, I figured there might be more people out there who might benefit from these pearls of snarky wisdom that I learned the hard way through the schools of hard knocks, observation and gut intuition. So, here we go…hold onto your hats, and remember, these are just my opinions, if they help you or speak to you, use them with my blessing and well wishes. If they don’t, then just let them leak out of your brain and back into the Universal Consciousness

So, first let’s start with the stuff that most of us WANT:

When I say my daily affirmations around my romantic relationships, I always say this sentence: “We have a happy, honest, trusting, passionate, loving, empowering, fulfilling, equal partnership, best friend & lover, soul mate, very affectionate and committed relationship where we can both be our true selves with the other person and be totally accepted and loved for who we are”. And really, that’s what I want, and what I think most people want. But in order to get that, we have to make sure we follow some common sense rules that I see broken all the time!

So, in light of that, here are some relationship commandments:

Thou shalt assume positive intent with your partner. What this means is that you give them the benefit of the doubt in things, and don’t automatically assume negative intent. After all, if you’re in a relationship, you should care deeply about this person and there’s a certain amount of trust inherent in that. That does NOT mean that if you walk in and find your partner butt naked in bed with another person that this isn’t exactly what it looks like! And don’t let them off the hook that easy. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t buy the, “I tripped and fell naked inside your best friend, who also happened to be naked” excuse here. But, unfortunately, I know lots of people – both women and men who have bought that kind of reasoning. There’s assuming positive intent and then there’s letting yourself be a doormat. Use common sense and go with your gut!

2. Game playing does NOT a good relationship make. This means all the ‘buying yourself flowers in an effort to make him jealous’, ‘spraying yourself with another woman’s perfume to make her “appreciate you more”, “leaving stuff at his apartment so you have an ‘excuse’ to call him, ‘pretending to get calls or texts from other men to make him realize that you’re a ‘hot’ commodity and everything else that falls into this ‘game player’ category is total manipulation and bull, and has no place in a mature relationship that encompasses all the good traits I listed above in my affirmation.

Thou shalt not hit or abuse in any way your partner! This is what it sounds like – no physical abuse, but also, no mental abuse and definitely no sexual abuse. This would include mind games, manipulation, guilt trips, and plain old hitting etc. Now, I’ve told every guy I’ve ever dated that if he ever hit me, I was gone – no second chances, no do overs etc. Gone and done. Period. I grew up in an abusive household and I know that has no place in my adult life, and I don’t want my son around it either. There’s absolutely no excuse for this kind of behavior. None. If you have anger issues, get them taken care of. Don’t take them out on someone else. Get yourself healthy and THEN find a relationship!

Thou shalt still remain your own separate person once you enter into a relationship. We’ve all known those people who when they enter into a relationship, they suddenly cease to be their own person – and become an amalgam of them and their new partner. Now a certain give and take in a relationship is expected and healthy, but totally giving up who you are – in essence becoming a “chameleon” of the person you’re with is not only unhealthy for both of you, but also extremely annoying to the rest of the world at large. I know a few women who are “relationship chameleons” and to be honest, I have very little respect for them. I don’t feel sorry for them – even though they end up unhappy in all their relationships – they have a choice and choose to give up their personalities to become what they THINK the other person wants. Don’t let this happen to you! You CAN and SHOULD remain YOU in a relationship.

Thou shalt openly and honestly communicate at all times – i.e. Say What you mean, Mean what you say and carry through with what you say you will! This should be a no brainer, but sadly, I know many people who break all of this…often. In any relationship honesty and good communication are extremely important, but in a romantic relationship – they are absolutely imperative. I’m not saying to keep a notebook of everything your partner says so you can remind them every time they mess up (which will lead into our next commandment), but be a good communicator and be straightforward and honest – your partner and your relationship will be better off for it.

Thou shalt not “keep score” You know what I mean. Many people have a mental tally list of each time their partner messes up or does something wrong. This is NOT a good way to keep a healthy relationship going. People make mistakes and if they are truly sorry and make amends, then make up, and LET IT GO. I.e. Forget about it and don’t continually bring it up. I’m not saying that everything is forgivable – it’s not. And it’s up to each individual what is a deal breaker to them and what is not. But keeping score will only eat away at your relationship like acid until it crumbles around you in ruins.

Thou shalt be an equal partner in your relationship. This one is important. I know a lot of people, both women and men who want the other person to always take care of them, make the decisions etc. If that’s the kind of relationship you truly want, then I wish you well – but I’ve been in relationships like that and I only ended up miserable. I want a partnership. I want both of us to have an equal say, both of us to pull equal ‘relationship weight’ and both of us to be just as invested in the relationship as the other. I took a sociology class at Arizona State where we talked about “The Principle of Least Interest” – which means the person with the least interest in the relationship has all the power. I’m sure we all know how it feels to be that person with less power in the relationship…and it sucks. But what most people don’t realize is that it also sucks to be the person with the most power in the relationship because that means you’re not very interested in seeing the relationship succeed, and you should probably end things and find another more healthy relationship. By the same token, if one of you is always the one who contacts, initiates sex, asks to see the other one, always does the calling, planning etc – that’s not fair on either side and will wear at the relationship and both of you over time. Respect yourself and your partner enough to make sure you have an equal partnership relationship – you’ll both be happier for it.

You and your partner and not static beings. Leave room for growth and change.

In any relationship, but especially in romantic ones, people are going to change over time as they experience new things and grow. There has to be room for this within the relationship and both parties have to feel safe enough that as they grow and change their partner will still love and accept them.

Thou shalt not change your relationship expectations mid stream and be angry with your partner because they don’t adhere to them! In my first marriage, he was attracted to me because I was so different from the girls he grew up with. I was independent and outgoing, an overachiever and a doer. But once we got married and had our son, he magically expected me to transform into someone who no longer wanted to work outside the home, a gourmet cook who did crafts and kept a meticulous house, and got my entire sense of self worth from my house, my family and my “homemaker” accomplishments. Yeah – you can imagine how well that worked out. He changed expectations mid stream and was disappointed when I didn’t adhere to them. People don’t work like that. And while relationships bend…they also break. Be honest about your expectations up front and don’t expect your partner to magically transform to meet your new ones. This doesn’t mean that if your partner is an alcoholic that you can’t ask and expect them to get help and get clean and sober. But that leads us to our next commandment.

10.

Thou shalt fix your own issues Before you subject another person to them! If you have anger issues, abandonment issues, jealousy issues, addiction issues or whatever – go get help and work through your baggage BEFORE you subject some other poor soul to that. We all have baggage, triggers, hot buttons etc, but do your due diligence up front and work through your own “crap” and you’ll have much happier relationships. Because what happens is both of you bring your baggage, triggers, hot buttons etc into the relationship – and a lot of time, your “baggage, triggers, hot buttons” etc – don’t play nicely together. Those are your defense mechanisms and they come automatically until you work through the issue that causes them. For example, because of my abusive childhood, I have an issue with people lashing out at me – I shut down. I’ve gone to counseling and I’m a LOT better with this, but even to this day – if someone lashes out at me, I shut down and they’ve lost the argument – I’ve already stopped listening. That’s my trigger and my defense mechanism. I’ve had relationships where we both needed to learn to NOT trigger each other just so we could have time and opportunity to communicate and work out whatever we needed to talk about. It CAN be done with patience and love and understanding. But we all know people who have TONS of personal issues – baggage, we usually call it, that they take with them from relationship to relationship and they end up leaving a trail of pain and destruction behind. Things would be better all the way around if they spent some time working through their own baggage so they don’t keep dragging it with them.

11.

Sex is NOT a manipulation tool. It’s a beautiful physical expression between two (or more…yes, I went there…lol) people who care for each other. But we’ve all known people who use it as a punishment (by withholding) or a manipulation tool (will only put out if their partner does X…etc.) This makes sex a tool and not a sharing, intimate experience that brings you closer like it should be. So repeat after me: “Sex is not a tool to manipulate my partner”!! By the same token, you should take equal part in initiating sex. And my total rule of thumb is: Anything between two consenting adults is fair game. Just make sure that - yes, you’re both consenting ADULTS and that you both consent to whatever it is you’re proposing doing. Then from there – feel free to get as freaky as you BOTH want…and enjoy!

If you need some ideas – my author website is http://www.cassieryan.com – for a list of the Smoking Hot books

The Seduction Series has quite a few fun ideas, as does the “Succubus” series

12.

Thou shall make your partner and your relationship a priority in your life. This does NOT mean that your new partner takes precedence over the well being of your children, your job, your existing friendships or family relationships etc. But this does mean that they need to be prioritized in there with all the rest of these things. If your partner feels like they always come last in your life – they most likely won’t be your partner for long. Relationships are living things and need time, love and attention.

13.

Thou halt always be mindful of the children in any relationship! As I mentioned above, I had an abusive childhood. I’ve been a step kid, had stepfathers, step siblings etc. There were many times where I felt like I no longer mattered and that I had fallen to last place on my mom’s priority list. For that reason, I’m very mindful of my son when I enter into new relationships, and I’m very mindful of the children of anyone I date. I know how it feels to have someone new come into your life, and I know how jarring it can be when you feel like you’re suddenly cut off from your parent because this new person has usurped your place in their life! Try to take a look at things from your child’s point of view and make sure they still feel like they are an important part of your life and that they still have access, love and support from you, or their parent. If you’re the ‘new step parent’ or even the new girlfriend or boyfriend – be mindful that the kids were there first, and there’s a certain inherent priority that SHOULD come with them being their parent’s child. That doesn’t mean that if they are little hellions and their parent doesn’t rein them in that you have to just sit back and take it! See my commandment above about open communication! But being a child means there are a lot of things you are powerless about in your own life – and new relationships for your parent can be scary and jarring. Try to make this as pain free for them as possible!

14.

If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, then listen to your gut and take appropriate action. We all know someone that constantly bemoans how unhappy they are, but never want to do anything to change it. There are ALWAYS options…even if you don’t like what they are, and life is too short to be miserable! So put your big girl panties or big boy boxers on and FIX IT! This may involve openly communicating with your partner, seeking 3rd party help like counseling or even deciding to end the relationship and leave. Respect yourself enough to choose to be happy and make the hard choices that will help you get there.

15.

Thou shalt respect yourself enough to know you deserve a happy relationship. There are some people out there who either consciously or unconsciously think they don’t deserve a happy relationship. Respect and love yourself enough to know that EVERYONE deserves to find happiness and a happy relationship is just part of that! If you can’t get to that point – it might be time for that third party help to work through your past issues that are keeping you from seeing how worthy you are! Don’t let the past dictate who you are. YOU dictate who you are to the future!

I’m sure I could keep these going to 100, but I learned the hard way and I’m sure a lot of you have too, so if there are any I’ve missed, please feel free to comment and add

And to everyone – I wish you a happy, honest, trusting, passionate, loving, empowering, fulfilling, equal partnership, best friend & lover, soul mate, very affectionate and committed relationship where you can both be your true selves with the other person and be totally accepted and loved for who you are!

Blessings & All Happiness…

Tina

Tags: Advice
Posted in Chat, Just Chat, Writing Life | 7 Comments »

A new week with new challenges!

Monday, September 13th, 2010

I’m very glad it’s Monday, partly because I was sick all last week and this week signals the first day of my return to my normal routine (that doesn’t involve regularly scheduled cold meds!) But also because I’ve got some new challenges coming up this week that I’m really looking forward to!

The first isn’t even really a writing challenge, but one of those parent milestones that just like a Hallmark commercial make me misty and nostalgic as I notice how fast time has whizzed by. This Thursday I can take my kidlet down to the DMV to get his driver’s license. He’s had his permit for the past six months and the kid really is a very good driver (don’t say it too loud, don’t want him to get cocky or anything…lol!) He doesn’t have his own car yet, but I remember how excited I was to get my driver’s license, so I’m also excited for him. (Although seriously – it doesn’t feel like that long ago that I was 16 and getting mine! Where the heck did all that time go???)

My second challenge for the week is that I’m teaching an online class through Savvy Authors called “Thinking Like An Editor”. This will be my first time teaching an online class, so I’ve got a little nervous excitement buzzing around. I’ve given this talk before as an hour long presentation for writer’s groups and at a few conventions, but I’ve never done it as an online class that lasted for two weeks. I have my lesson plans all planned out, which very much reminded me of my days as a band director, and I’ve already posted my first lesson. Now I just have to wait and hope I’m not on the forum all by myself! (Okay, I already know two people who have emailed me to say they’ve signed up and I’m sure there are at least a few more, but you know how irrational fears go…lol!)

And most important (to me, anyway) is that I was so sick last week that I haven’t written in nine days. Ack! I’m having withdrawal symptoms! I’m not sure if anyone else has this issue, but it’s hard to get my mind back in the habit of writing every day after having even a day or two off, let alone nine. Which means I’ll be going back to the beginning of the story and reading it over to get my brain back into my world of Succubus and mayhem. Usually that gets things churning again.

My current project is tentatively titled Taming of the Succubus, which is the third book in the Sisters of Darkness Series. Book 1, Seducing the Succubus, releases on October 5th and Book 2, The Demon & The Succubus releases April 2011. So I’m really excited to get back to my third Succubus and get her moving because the Succubus for book 4 is already churning around inside my brain wanting her turn to tell her story!

Which reminds me! I need to start making some flyers to pass around. My book signing for Seducing the Succubus is coming up on October 8th at the Desert Ridge Barnes & Noble! Hope to see you all there!

Until next time…

Tina

Posted in Book signings, Cassie's News, Chat, Online Class, Seducing the Succubus, Sisters of Darkness Series, Taming the Succubus, The Demon and the Succubus | No Comments »

Did my IQ shrink?

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

In school I was one of those goodie-goody kids who got good grades, did all my homework, never cut class and was a total and complete band geek. So, band geeky, in fact, I was voted Most Talented Senior Girl.

So it’s a bit odd and nostalgic to watch my son go through high school kind of the same way. He’s not quite as gung ho in band as I was-I mean, I practiced during lunch hours and HAD to be first chair in every competition. The kiddo is actually just enjoying being in band for the sake of being part of the group. Besides that he’s even good at the subjects I wasn’t. We’re both good at English and History, but kiddo is actually good at Geometry and Chemistry that I had to study my ass off to get by in.

It was no surprise to me that he’s in several honors classes this year and that he’s thriving. But he’s also going through the inevitable culture shock about the increased amount of homework in Honors classes as opposed to the regular classes he was in last year. So, tonight when he brought home a huge-and I do mean HUGE–workbook packet for history that is due tomorrow, and needed to be done either before or after his several hours of marching rehearsal, I figured I’d be there for moral support. No, I didn’t do his work for him, just sat with him as he talked through it.

Honors World History and Geography-no problem. That was one of my favorite subjects and I’m a pretty educated woman.

Right?

~Insert laugh track here~

After watching him work through his 16 sets of exercises around the locations of different countries/cities/towns around the world I feel like a total and complete idiot…lol. And I have a bad, sneaking suspicion that if I had to take that class with him – I’d be begging him to tutor me.

Although I must admit it was something of a bonding experience for the two of us. While he was pouring over maps on the computer and we were searching for names and locations of countries, there were discussions like:

Me: “Isn’t it above Italy?”

Him: “Italy is the boot. I don’t see Switzerland above it. Are you sure?”

Me: Yeah, go above the boot, then up past the thigh-and it’s sort of the ‘crotch’.” Him: (with uncontrollable laughter) “Damn, it is the crotch! Thanks, Mom. I’ll never forget where Switzerland is again!”

By the time we got to the Asian pacific my knowledge wasn’t holding up very well, and when we moved onto Central America I was way out of my league. And you know what’s worse? This is only the third week of school!!

I can’t help but cringe thinking about how much I’ll realize I don’t remember by mid year!

Has anyone else out there experienced this phenomenon? Or should I just not offer to be moral support with homework anymore for my own good?

Posted in Chat | 1 Comment »

Myself as a Superhero

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

Today is my 6 year wedding anniversary and I just got back from a nice lunch with hubby to celebrate. Now I’m playing on the computer and generally catching up on Twitter (I’m at @TinaGerow if you want to Tweet!), Facebook, MySpace and all my other technology networking sites

Angela James posted a link to a site where you can make yourself a Superhero, so of course, I couldn’t resist trying it out. Check out the site, and here’s me as a superhero below. What do you think?

Posted in Chat, Just Chat | 1 Comment »

What are your favorite blogs/websites?

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

Hi everyone! I’m trying to get back into a groove of regular blogging again now that the holidays are past and 2009 has hit the ground running.

For me the past few months have been a crazy conglomeration of reconnecting with old friends, losing touch with others, emotional roller coasters as life throws curve balls both good and bad, as well as just the normal pieces of living. But I’m grateful for the experiences, and hope those whose lives I’ve touched along the way feel the same.

And after all that, I wasn’t in the mood to do a “deep” blog today, but instead thought we’d do something fun.

A friend had recently asked me for any websites or blogs that I had found were a great way to kill time or procrastinate. When I sent her some back, she’d already decided not to do that blog and do something else…so…waste not, want not…lol…can you say blog idea?

So here are a few I’ve found – feel free to add any fun ones you have!!

And remember! 2009 can be whatever you make of it! So make it the best you can

Tina/Cassie

Funny or Die – Thanks to Phil for this really funny video about Prop 8. There are a lot of really fun celebrity sightings in here that will make you smile.

Isabella Clayton – She just posted this today, where you can ask questions about seeing sprits. Go check it out!

The Goatlocker – Thanks again to Phil for passing me this one. It’s a great website about CPO/Navy information. My grandfather was a SeeBee in the Navy, and I also have very fond memories of someone from my past who is now a Senior Cheif in the Navy, so I’ve always been fascinated by this kind of stuff.

The Butterscotch Martini Girls blog – This is my critique group blog. If you dig through the archives you’ll read about some of my most embarassing moments as well as some of my celebrations and etc. Very funny reading by all the ladies I’m still cringing over the underwear incident where Kayce blogged about my blunder.

Isabella Clayton – This one had me totally cracking up. Another installment from Isabella Clayton about Have you landscaped your Betty today? If you don’t know what a “Betty” is, let’s just say it’s below your navel and above your thighs…lol.

Brit Blaise – Brit is one of my favorite bloggers. This woman always has something interesting and fun going on over at her blog. But one last week gave me the creeps – Have you ever met a killer?

What’s in your nightstand drawer? was an interesting blog concept, too I think I’m too afraid my son would stumble on my list on the blog and be scarred for life, so I’ll just lurk and see everyone else’s lists

Sapphire Blue Bombshells Blog. These are the authors from Sapphire Blue Publishing and they have some Guys with Guns days that are VERY yummy, as well as some other great topics.

Much Cheaper than Therapy is a blog by some local romance writers, and the blog has gained quite a huge following. You can find great topics there nearly every day.

I am Bored – I got this one from my son. There are some funny quizzes and all kinds of ways to kill time in there.

Darcylicious.com – For any of you Matthew MacFadyen fans out there – this is the site for you! Let’s just say Matthew tends to inspire fantasies for many women no matter what movie or play he’s in, and this site will definitely fuel more

So do you have any to share? We’d love to see them!!

Posted in Chat | No Comments »